Stuck in dumb amazement, like a dog who's told to levitate.

I've got a shirt that says that. It's a quote from a song called Cruelty to Animals by Pernice Brothers. I like the shirt a lot, and really wish I was wearing it to day. Why, you ask? Well, because for the first time since I can remember, I was at a complete loss for words at lunch.

Here's what happened. I went to L&L Hawaiian Barbecue. Being a carnivore of Native Hawaiian descent on the mainland, this is kinda a go-to spot for me. The lady behind the counter even knows me by name. (note to self: I should learn her name) So, I ordered a Teri Beef plate, and the guy behind the counter asks me, with a straight face, "What two sides would you like with that?"

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Seriously, I was frozen. He points down at a list of about eight items, including french fries, broccoli and carrots, green salad... I look down at the list, then back up to him, still not able to say anything. Then I look at the lady behind the other register and she says "He likes rice and macaroni." After she said that, I just nodded. I really wish one of them had a camera, because I would love to see the look on my face while this was all going down. The guy then says to me that in Hawaii they all come with rice and macaroni, but here there are other options. I was finally able to talk, and remember muttering something about being Hawaiian and that there is really only one way to make plate lunch

I understand not everyone has the same tastes, but Jesus Christ, this is a Hawaiian joint. I highly doubt that if you go to your local taqueria they are going to ask what kind of wrapper you want for your taco, then give you the option of white bread or a pita. And how well do you think it would go over at a pizza parlor if you asked for them to use potato chips instead of pizza dough? It's all just fucking ridiculous!

It's probably a good thing I couldn't talk after he asked me, because if I could, I'm pretty sure my answer would not have been appropriate.

I Love You 0.274%

Earth Day is nothing more than Valentine's Day for self-righteous lemmings! A day when the world is supposed to stand up, hold hands, and sing Kumbaya while they congratulate each other for being good people. Then, the next day everyone goes back to their normal, selfish ways for another 364 days until Earth Day next year.

A couple years back I went to see Roger McGuinn play a show on what happened to be Earth Day. As I was waiting outside to see the 60's counter-culture icon I saw Steve Wozniak pull up in a fucking Hummer. A Hummer! That was fantastic! It would have been so easy for him to pull up in a Prius and make a show of it. (The gig was in Saratoga after all, and those fuckers are all about big showy insincere gestures.) But, nope, he decided that he didn't care and just did his thing. At least he was being honest. Not like most people.

Over the last week the newspapers have been filled with ads from various retailers and groups touting Earth Day and doing something good for the environment. Target, for one, had eight extra pages in their weekly ad touting what they call "Earth Week." Not because they care seven times as much as everyone else, but because that's how long their sales run. If these people actually cared, none of them would have ads or inserts in this week's paper. Just think about how much paper could have been saved!

But, nope, it's all about Sell, Sell, Sell, and people are fucking stupid! They believe this shit the media is feeding us and buying right into it. Who pays the Media? The corporations who want you to buy their Earth Day products. Better go out and buy the newly packaged dish soap because the Earth is worth saving. For the Children! Give me a fucking break.... some guy at Proctor and Gamble is getting huge bonuses for thinking this shit up, just to turn around and spend it on a couple new Jet Skis that he'll use to tear up the lakes.

Do you really care about something? Then shut the fuck up and do the right thing every day. Every Fucking Day! Because if you do something only one day a year, that is less than 1/3 of one percent of your time. That's pretty much zero, which is likely how much you truly care anyway.

One day you'll tell your kids about me

As you should know by now, I'm a Fucking Genius! Not like Einstein or Copernicus, more like the guy at the end of the bar who won't shut the fuck up. If I had more drive, I'm sure I'd be rich by now from all the shit that I think of. But, I'm not.

So, today I am sitting at my desk when the idea hits me. Remember 20 years ago when everyone's panties were wet because of that TV Show "Mystery Science Theatre 3000"? Well, I think it's time to bring that concept into the 21st Century.

Someone ought to take old, classic movies, such as Casablanca or From Here To Eternity, and re-release them with subtitles in Internet/Texting Slang. Think about it.... You're watching Gone With The Wind, and in that classic scene Rhett says "OMG IDGAF!" Teenagers might finally watch a movie that has a shelf life of more than one month, and adults will find it hysterical.

So, anybody want to go in business with me?

Don't forget to move your clock forward!

Over the weekend, most of the continental United States moved their clocks forward to switch to Daylight Savings. I like daylight savings. Big fan of it, and I never forget to move my clocks forward. To be honest, I usually don't have to because I never move them back when we go off daylight savings.

Unless you live in Arizona or Hawaii, you have been bombarded with messages reminding you to move your clocks forward. If you don't do this, it is simply because you are retarded.

So, this morning I got an email from Best Western. You know, the motel chain. The email was advertising their "Countdown to Savings" promotion, offering special deals from 12PM - 4PM Eastern Time. So, living in California I decided to head over to the site around 9:30 this morning. To my surprise, Best Western said the promotion hadn't started yet. HOLY SHIT! Best Western forgot to set their clocks ahead. What a bunch of fucking idiots! I know each of their locations are independently owned and operated, but does that mean everyone was waiting for someone else to update their web site? So, I called their Customer Support line, and the person who answered their phone was also surprised by this failure of common sense. He promised to pass it along to the next line of support. As you could guess, they did not get this resolved before 1PM Eastern Time, when the computer thought it was Noon.

Makes me wonder... did their guests receive wake-up calls an hour late? Are they letting everyone check out an hour later today?

What a bunch of fucking retards. I'm sure they aren't the only company that forgot to make this switch, but they are the only ones I know of who decided to advertise a sale that points out their stupidity.