Thinking Clearly

Stuck in dumb amazement, like a dog who's told to levitate.

2010-06-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

I've got a shirt that says that. It's a quote from a song called Cruelty to Animals by Pernice Brothers. I like the shirt a lot, and really wish I was wearing it to day. Why, you ask? Well, because for the first time since I can remember, I was at a complete loss for words at lunch.

Here's what happened. I went to L&L Hawaiian Barbecue. Being a carnivore of Native Hawaiian descent on the mainland, this is kinda a go-to spot for me. The lady behind the counter even knows me by name. (note to self: I should learn her name) So, I ordered a Teri Beef plate, and the guy behind the counter asks me, with a straight face, "What two sides would you like with that?"

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Seriously, I was frozen. He points down at a list of about eight items, including french fries, broccoli and carrots, green salad... I look down at the list, then back up to him, still not able to say anything. Then I look at the lady behind the other register and she says "He likes rice and macaroni." After she said that, I just nodded. I really wish one of them had a camera, because I would love to see the look on my face while this was all going down. The guy then says to me that in Hawaii they all come with rice and macaroni, but here there are other options. I was finally able to talk, and remember muttering something about being Hawaiian and that there is really only one way to make plate lunch

I understand not everyone has the same tastes, but Jesus Christ, this is a Hawaiian joint. I highly doubt that if you go to your local taqueria they are going to ask what kind of wrapper you want for your taco, then give you the option of white bread or a pita. And how well do you think it would go over at a pizza parlor if you asked for them to use potato chips instead of pizza dough? It's all just fucking ridiculous!

It's probably a good thing I couldn't talk after he asked me, because if I could, I'm pretty sure my answer would not have been appropriate.

I Love You 0.274%

2010-04-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

Earth Day is nothing more than Valentine's Day for self-righteous lemmings! A day when the world is supposed to stand up, hold hands, and sing Kumbaya while they congratulate each other for being good people. Then, the next day everyone goes back to their normal, selfish ways for another 364 days until Earth Day next year.

A couple years back I went to see Roger McGuinn play a show on what happened to be Earth Day. As I was waiting outside to see the 60's counter-culture icon I saw Steve Wozniak pull up in a fucking Hummer. A Hummer! That was fantastic! It would have been so easy for him to pull up in a Prius and make a show of it. (The gig was in Saratoga after all, and those fuckers are all about big showy insincere gestures.) But, nope, he decided that he didn't care and just did his thing. At least he was being honest. Not like most people.

Over the last week the newspapers have been filled with ads from various retailers and groups touting Earth Day and doing something good for the environment. Target, for one, had eight extra pages in their weekly ad touting what they call "Earth Week." Not because they care seven times as much as everyone else, but because that's how long their sales run. If these people actually cared, none of them would have ads or inserts in this week's paper. Just think about how much paper could have been saved!

But, nope, it's all about Sell, Sell, Sell, and people are fucking stupid! They believe this shit the media is feeding us and buying right into it. Who pays the Media? The corporations who want you to buy their Earth Day products. Better go out and buy the newly packaged dish soap because the Earth is worth saving. For the Children! Give me a fucking break.... some guy at Proctor and Gamble is getting huge bonuses for thinking this shit up, just to turn around and spend it on a couple new Jet Skis that he'll use to tear up the lakes.

Do you really care about something? Then shut the fuck up and do the right thing every day. Every Fucking Day! Because if you do something only one day a year, that is less than 1/3 of one percent of your time. That's pretty much zero, which is likely how much you truly care anyway.

One day you'll tell your kids about me

2010-04-21T14:48:00.000-07:00

As you should know by now, I'm a Fucking Genius! Not like Einstein or Copernicus, more like the guy at the end of the bar who won't shut the fuck up. If I had more drive, I'm sure I'd be rich by now from all the shit that I think of. But, I'm not.

So, today I am sitting at my desk when the idea hits me. Remember 20 years ago when everyone's panties were wet because of that TV Show "Mystery Science Theatre 3000"? Well, I think it's time to bring that concept into the 21st Century.

Someone ought to take old, classic movies, such as Casablanca or From Here To Eternity, and re-release them with subtitles in Internet/Texting Slang. Think about it.... You're watching Gone With The Wind, and in that classic scene Rhett says "OMG IDGAF!" Teenagers might finally watch a movie that has a shelf life of more than one month, and adults will find it hysterical.

So, anybody want to go in business with me?

Don't forget to move your clock forward!

2010-03-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, most of the continental United States moved their clocks forward to switch to Daylight Savings. I like daylight savings. Big fan of it, and I never forget to move my clocks forward. To be honest, I usually don't have to because I never move them back when we go off daylight savings.

Unless you live in Arizona or Hawaii, you have been bombarded with messages reminding you to move your clocks forward. If you don't do this, it is simply because you are retarded.

So, this morning I got an email from Best Western. You know, the motel chain. The email was advertising their "Countdown to Savings" promotion, offering special deals from 12PM - 4PM Eastern Time. So, living in California I decided to head over to the site around 9:30 this morning. To my surprise, Best Western said the promotion hadn't started yet. HOLY SHIT! Best Western forgot to set their clocks ahead. What a bunch of fucking idiots! I know each of their locations are independently owned and operated, but does that mean everyone was waiting for someone else to update their web site? So, I called their Customer Support line, and the person who answered their phone was also surprised by this failure of common sense. He promised to pass it along to the next line of support. As you could guess, they did not get this resolved before 1PM Eastern Time, when the computer thought it was Noon.

Makes me wonder... did their guests receive wake-up calls an hour late? Are they letting everyone check out an hour later today?

What a bunch of fucking retards. I'm sure they aren't the only company that forgot to make this switch, but they are the only ones I know of who decided to advertise a sale that points out their stupidity.

It's a Concert, not a Frat Party! (aka Don't be a Douche Bag)

2008-09-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend my wife and I went to see one of our favourite bands, Squeeze, at the Mountain Winery in Saratoga. It was a beautiful night, and we had fantastic seats. Second row Center. Working on our second bottle of wine, we were having a great time. Right before the show started, the party of six with seats right in front of us showed up. Heard the guy in front of me talking, and he said he didn't know a single song by Squeeze. WHAT!?! You're sitting front row center and you have never heard of the band?

OK, so maybe your good friend brought you to the show. That could explain the lack of knowledge, but you shouldn't keep talking about it.

So, Squeeze starts up, and the guy keeps talking. Finally the crowd gets on their feet and starts dancing. What does this Douche Bag do? He starts doing the White Frat Boy dance, with his back to the stage. Holy Shit this guy is a douche! He continues to do this the entire show. Well, except for when we went to get another of whatever his type drinks at a Winery. Probably Vodka and Red Bull. I know he probably thinks he's real cool, and likely has his friends convinced of the same. But guess what Bro... You are a Douche Bag. AND... you have inspired not one, but two bits of advice.

If you find yourself at a concert where you are not familiar with the artist's music, don't keep talking about it.

and...

Unless you are at a wedding, or a nightclub where the band is playing covers, NEVER dance with your back to the stage.

For what it's worth, we still had a fantastic time. Squeeze was, as always, amazing and the night ended too soon.

Don't let other people pick out your clothes

2008-08-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

A good friend, who I also work with, came in the other day with a really bad jacket. REALLY bad. I was in awe. So much so, that I took his picture. He actually stood there smiling for the photo. I then sent it around to various other people that we both know, and they got quite the kick out of it also.

Ends up that he told his wife he needed a new zip-up hoodie, and this is what she picked out. Believe it or not, his wife said they were all ugly, EXCEPT for this one.

Never, NEVER let someone pick out your clothes, unless you know for a fact that they have, not only good taste, but the same fashion sense as you.

For what it's worth, this is a fine jacket. For a 6 year old.

So, you want to start a blog? (Note to self)

2008-08-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah... it seems everyone if the world wants to blog. So, how about this.

Before actually starting to blog, learn how to put pictures and links in the the damn thing.

Once I get this shit worked out, I'll be posting more.

Shut the Fuck Up - part II

2008-08-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written something. Do you know why? It's because I haven't had a lot to say. Hey, there's a novel idea!

Bloggers - if you don't have anything interesting to say, don't say anything.

I hate it when I read a blog and it is full of crap. Why write? Are you afraid that people will be insulted if you don't write every day? We're not. We're happy. No one wants to waste their time reading pointless dribble.

I'll shut up now.

Shut the fuck up!

2008-07-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

OK, so how many times have you gone to a concert just to end up next to some idiot that thinks it is perfectly acceptable to talk during the show. I'm not talking about yelling to the band between songs (although that can be annoying in many cases). I'm talking about the asshole that won't shut the fuck up about this or that while almost everyone else wants to listen to the music. That is until their favourite song is played, in which case they often sing along loudly.

Concert halls with reserved seating should offer a Talking Section, where people can go if they want to talk during the show. This should be a non-reserved seating area to encourage "drop in" guests.

Either that, or sell t-shirts outside the venue. That way these fuckers can just grab a shirt so they can tell everyone they went to the show, and how awesome it was.

Wireless in a power outage

2008-07-10T11:56:00.000-07:00

Power outages are a fact of life. Often then cannot be predicted. Luckily, most people can still work during an outage, thanks to the batteries in their laptop computers. One problem... the internet.

Why can't someone invent, and market, a wireless router with a battery backup, similar to alarm clocks?

How kick ass would that be if, during an outage, you could continue with you normal life.

Increase Voter Turnout

2008-07-09T14:29:00.000-07:00

It's a pretty well known fact that voter turnout in the United States sucks. In the past 40 years of Federal Elections, only 45% of eligible voters have turned out to the polls. FORTY FIVE FUCKING PERCENT! Are you kidding me? THIS is the Great Democracy?

So, what do we do about it? Well, you can't MAKE people vote. Or can you? How about this...

If you work for the Government, directly or indirectly, or receive any form of Government assistance, you have to vote or give up the the benefits.

You work for the IRS and don't vote? Well, don't bother coming to work the next day. You receive Federal Student Aid and don't vote? Well, guess what.... this is your last semester. Since the Government controls so much of the lives of the Armed Forces, it shouldn't be hard forcing them to vote. Don't want to give them an out. You're having a rough patch, and need some financial aid... get your ass to a polling place.

If you don't care enough about this country to take a couple minutes to exercise the right that was, and continues to be, fought so hard for, then you do not deserve to benefit directly. Time to get by with whatever you can get from the private sector.

Life Rules - #1

2008-07-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

If you go tanning (tanning salon or via the sun), or color your hair, NEVER let your skin get darker than your hair.

No matter who tells you what, it does not look good on anyone.

Bloggers - Put out or Shut Up!

2008-07-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

Somebody call the Waaambulance!

I'm fucking tired of all the God Damn bloggers out there whining and bitching when things don't go their way.
Why do babysitters charge so much!
Why won't anyone hire me?
I never get any time alone with the kids home.
Why don't they take reservations at Olive Garden?
The DVD player in the Minivan broke!
I can't believe they eliminated Michael on American Idol!

To make matters worse, they are the same people who look away when a real disaster hits, and someone asks for help.

Case in point. My best friend runs a fairly popular blog, http://www.dad2twins.com that always draws comments. As you might be able to guess from the title, it is focused on parenting and children. So, two weeks ago he sent out a request for donations of any size to help out kids who lost everything in the Iowa floods (1500 miles from where he lives). Guess what. Complete silence. For two weeks there has only been one donation, and one comment. Both by me. So... here is what I propose.

Blogger.com should charge every $1 for every Blog entry, and start a COD fund, Children of Disasters.

The money could be spent replacing toys, books, whatever, that get destroyed during disasters such as this, or the New Orleans floods, or the California Wildfires, or, well, you get my point.

I donated $20, so I'm working on credit.

Idiot Drivers

2008-07-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

OK.... so the driver may not be an actual "Idiot", but they sure the hell drive like one. You know who I am talking about. Hell, you may even be one. If you are, I Hate You!

These are the fuckers that drive as if there was no one else on the road. They never drive the speed limit; it's either way over or well under. A few special ones even go back and forth. If you want to go 90 on the freeway, and everyone else wants to go 70, YOU are the asshole, not them. If you are driving 10 mph, expect to get honked at. Those white lines on the road? Would it kill you to fucking drive between them? Want to turn right? How about getting in the God Damn right lane! So, what should we do about these Idiots? Here's a thought.

The Police should be allowed to give a ticket that revokes the driver's license until they pass a Road Test at the DMV.

I have not taken a Road Test since the day I turned 16. I'm sure most people are in the same boat. So, if you have shown an inability to drive well, it's time you are tested again. Can't pass the test? Well you sure don't deserve a license.

And while we're at it....

If you don't have a valid license, you cannot own, or be in possession of a car. If you are caught with a car, it will be taken away from you and sold at auction.

You can't own or possess a gun without a license, why should you be able to own or operate a car?

Airline Surcharges

2008-07-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

You would have to be living in a hole not to know that airlines are having a tough go of it. This is largely due to the increased price of fuel. From what I understand about physics the heavier the object, in this case an airplane, the more energy, in this case jet fuel, is required to move it. That is the main reason for baggage charges. First they charged for bags over 50lbs. Then for a second checked bag. And now many airlines are charging for the first bag. I understand they are just passing the costs along to the people who are weighing down the planes with potentially unnecessary luggage while being more forgiving to those who pack light, or not at all. What I don't understand is, why stop there.

The airlines should allow each paid ticket 175lbs total weight. When you check in, get on the scale with your luggage and carry-on. If the weight is over 175lbs, let the airlines assess extra fees.

This is the only fair way to charge passengers for the fuel it takes to haul them and their stuff from one place to another. If fuel costs are the real reason for surcharges, why am I being charged for bringing a 25lb suitcase for my 50lb toddler, while his seat cost the same amount as the 300lb guy with a carry-on bag?

And don't get me started on seat creep. That's for another day.

Budget Crisis

2008-07-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

I live in California, where we have State and City budget crisis'. Our Governor has come up with several really lame ideas on how to resolve the crisis; from releasing convicts early to expanding the lottery. Well, I have an idea!

State and Local governments should, effective immediately, increase all fines (traffic and otherwise) by 20%.

You don't want to pay it? No problem... don't break the law. It's as simple as that. This doesn't pick on the poor, it doesn't kiss up to the rich. It just says, if you want to break the law (pick one, any one) then you are going to have to pay more to support your community, who are the real victims of your dumb ass stunts.

An Introduction

2008-07-02T12:34:00.000-07:00

I have ideas.

A LOT of them.

And I will tell anyone I can, even if they don't care.

Why? Because they should. My ideas are FUCKING BRILLIANT! They are so brilliant, I assume that someone smarter than me (yes, even idiots have good ideas) has thought of them before.

So, that is why I created this blog. It's so I can tell the whole fucking world my brilliant ideas. FUCK! If I had thought of doing this earlier I could have nabbed MyBrilliantIdeas.blogspot.com before some Canadian teenager did. She better have some fucking brilliant ideas, or I 'm gonna have to call her on it.